


Tame the ghosts in my head

by stjarna



Series: Season 6 spec fics [7]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, Feels, Fitzsimmons and Fitz&Daisy background but important, Focus is on Fitz&Elena, Friendship, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, canon-compliant MCD mentioned, season 6 spec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 18:46:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16001129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stjarna/pseuds/stjarna
Summary: S6 spec fic. Fitz opens up to Elena about his relationship with Jemma and his strained friendship with Daisy.





	Tame the ghosts in my head

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Lovers' Eyes" by Mumford&Sons.
> 
> Big thank you to @dilkirani and @lilsciencequeen for the beta.

Elena paused in the doorway to the lab, not just because she didn't want to intrude on what appeared to be a private moment between Fitz and Jemma but also because she'd never seen the Scottish engineer without a beard. She leaned against the doorframe, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

The couple stood next to Fitz’s workbench, Jemma gently cupping Fitz’s face, her lips softly pressed against his. She broke the kiss, a smile flashing across her face, before she leaned closer again, placing another peck to his mouth before exhaling sharply.

“I'll see you later?” Jemma asked, and Fitz responded with a nod and a quiet “Yeah.”

Another smile spread across Jemma’s face before she turned around to leave, stopping briefly in her movements and letting out a surprised “Oh” when she noticed Elena.

Elena couldn't help but grin one-sidedly. “Hello, lovebirds.”

Jemma glanced back at Fitz, her cheeks blushing, while Fitz looked at her a bit sheepishly.

Elena pushed herself off the doorframe, raising her hands slightly and turning them back and forth. “I’m here because the genius engineer wanted to calibrate my arms.”

Fitz cleared his throat, before scratching the skin below his ear with his index finger. “Right.”

Jemma smiled politely, gesturing towards the door. “Well, I’m headed to see the Director. Guess we’ll be swapping partners.”

Elena walked closer, smirking at Jemma one-sidedly. “Don’t get any ideas. Turtleman is all mine.”

Her friend chuckled awkwardly, her eyes wandering back to where Fitz stood. “Well, I’ll be off.”

A soft smile played on Fitz’s lips as he nodded, mumbling a barely audible “Yeah.”

Yet Elena noticed a seriousness in his expression. His eyes were fixed on Jemma, even as Elena walked closer to his workbench while his girlfriend disappeared into the hallway.

“So, what’s with the babyface?” Elena asked cheekily, trying to get his attention.

It took him a moment to register that she’d asked a question, his head suddenly whipping around to stare at her wide-eyed. “Wha—?”

Elena couldn’t help but laugh quietly. She lifted her chin in the direction of Fitz’s face. “What’s with the babyface?” she repeated.

“Oh.” His hand shot to his cheeks, rubbing his clean-shaven skin. “Um—nothing.” He shrugged, noticeably flustered. “Just a change.”

He exhaled a sharp breath, before gesturing at a chair next to his work bench. “Shall we?”

Elena sat down, placing her arms on the smooth metal surface of the table. She eyed the engineer silently as he gathered his tools. He pulled up another chair and took one of Elena’s hands in his palms, seemingly studying it closely, though his mind appeared entirely elsewhere.

“I know we haven’t been close friends, Fitz,” Elena said quietly, watching as Fitz’s head rose to look at her with his brow furrowed. “But I hope you know that you can talk to me.” She shrugged. “And sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone you’re not so close with.”

His eyes glazed over for a moment, wandering to the table top, before meeting Elena’s again. “It’s the way she looks at me,” he admitted, barely above a whisper.

Elena wrinkled her forehead, scoffing quietly. “With love and affection? What’s wrong with that?”

One corner of Fitz’s mouth quirked up briefly, a quiet puff of air escaping his nose. He shook his head. “No—not that. That—” A smile spread across his face. “I sometimes can’t believe how lucky I am to have someone—to have _her_ look at me that way. Like—like I complete her world.”

“You do,” Elena interjected calmly.

Fitz wiped across his eyes, sniffling briefly and bobbing his head. “Yeah. Yeah, maybe. And she completes mine. She _is_ my world, but—” He exhaled a stuttering breath. “She looks at me. She looks at me and I want to drown in her love and her joy and—” He paused, shaking his head. “But then suddenly there’s this shadow in her eyes. This sadness. And I know she looks at me and sees his ghost.”

“And you thought shaving—?” Elena asked carefully.

Fitz shrugged. “I thought if I didn’t quite look like him, she’d stop seeing his ghost and looking at me wouldn’t be a reason to be—”

“I know that look,” Elena replied sadly, feeling her heart constrict. “Mack has it, too. He saw me die—my future self. Saw Kasius slit my throat. And every time he looked at me after that, I could see the grief in his eyes, the fear that I was headed for that same future unless we broke the loop.”

She blinked away the tears that had gathered in her eyes. “And I looked at him that way, too. Because I knew if we didn’t break the loop, I would lose him and I had seen what that would do to me. So I did everything—everything to stop that future. And he did everything, too. Not just to save the world but to save ourselves. And neither of us realized that breaking the loop could still mean losing. Jemma didn’t deserve that. And you didn’t deserve that, and yet, if I had to choose—”

“I know,” Fitz mumbled quietly. “I would, too.”

Elena scoffed in amusement. “You’d choose Mack, too?”

But Fitz’s eyes remained serious. “I’d choose any of you over myself.” He sniffed quietly. “And yet, because I did that, Jemma had to—” He shook his head, unable to finish the sentence. “If I’d been more selfish, I could have saved her a lot of pain.”

“That wouldn’t have been you though,” Elena remarked quietly.

One corner of his mouth ticked up barely noticeably, while his eyes stared into nothingness. “It’s strange,” he muttered, more to himself than to her. “Like some kind of amnesia, except I’ll never get those memories back, because I wasn’t the one to make them.” He scoffed. “I didn’t travel 74 years into the future. I didn’t play a ruthless marauder. Didn’t propose to her. She didn’t propose to me. I didn’t travel back to the present. Didn’t marry her. Didn’t—” He stopped, his eyes shimmering behind a curtain of tears and Elena knew too well what part of a past he’d never lived he didn’t dare mention. He looked up, sighing heavily and shrugging. “And I never saved the world.”

Elena placed her hand on top of Fitz’s, who glanced down in surprise before looking back up again.

“You did,” Elena replied firmly. “You saved _her_ world. Because when you died, her heart, her soul broke and shattered. But you found a way to still get back to her. You found a loophole. You kept your promise to her. And you made her world whole again.”

Fitz blinked, swallowing hard, as more tears rimmed his eyes.

Elena patted the back of his hand to get him to glance up, smiling at him reassuringly. “And this time when you get married, I won’t have to miss it.”

Fitz let out a weak chuckle, before clearing his throat and pulling his hand out from underneath Elena’s, reaching for one of his tools instead. He drew in a deep breath. “Alright, let’s take a look at those arms, shall we?”

“Fitz,” Elena said quietly, causing him to look up. She looked at him, hoping her eyes would convey the sincerity of her words. “You’re right. She looks at you and sees his ghost— _your_ ghost. But ghosts fade.”

Fitz furrowed his brow slightly.

“You’re alive,” Elena continued. “You’re here, and real, and your love for her and her love for you shines brighter than any shadow a ghost can cast. You make her happy, Fitz. You’re her present and her future, and that weighs more than the past. He may always be there. He may always be along for the ride, but he’s not the one in the driver’s seat.”

Fitz’s eyes softened, a soft smile brightening his features. “Thanks,” he remarked, barely above a whisper.

Elena’s lips pulled wide. “Anytime. Just don’t make me wear a dress for the wedding.”

Fitz laughed out loud. “Wouldn’t dare to.”

He shook his head in amusement, leaning forward and bringing the tool in his hand closer to Elena’s robotic arm.

“Elena!”

Both Elena and Fitz turned their heads in surprise at the sudden call.

Daisy stood with her arms crossed in front of her chest, her eyes fixed on Elena. “We’re still on for the gym?” she said, a statement more than a question.

“Sí.” Elena lifted her chin in Fitz’s direction. “Fitz is just calibrating my arms so I can better kick your ass.”

“How long’s that gonna take?” Daisy asked, ignoring Elena’s snarky tease, her tone laced with a hint of impatient tension.

Elena shrugged slightly, ticking her head to the side at where Fitz was sitting, his gaze dropped to the tools in front of him. “You have to ask the genius who made them.”

Fitz slowly lifted his head, looking wide-eyed at Elena before turning to face Daisy.

Daisy’s body language became even more tense as she inhaled slowly before exhaling sharply. She swallowed, before briefly lifting her shoulders, her eyes barely meeting Fitz’s. “So?”

Fitz sighed, his gaze wandering to Elena’s arms resting on the table, before looking back at Daisy. “Fifteen minutes. Twenty tops,” he replied, and Elena noticed one corner of his mouth ticking up into a tentative half smile.

Daisy bobbed her head once, her focus immediately shifting back to Elena. “Okay. I’ll be waiting at the gym.”

Elena pursed her lips. “See you then.”

She watched Daisy leave before turning back to Fitz, who was staring at everything and nothing in front of him, his eyes shimmering behind a thin curtain of tears.

“And then there’s her,” he mumbled barely above a whisper, before hesitantly glancing at Elena. “Sometimes I think Jemma can’t look away because she’s afraid I’ll disappear again, but Daisy—” He shook his head, sighing heavily. “She can’t bear to look at me at all. And I can’t blame her after what I—”

“Fitz,” Elena interjected softly.

“No.” Fitz’s head moved vigorously side to side in protest. “Stop telling me that wasn’t me, because it _was_.” He pointed at the entrance to the lab, his eyes fiery with anger. “ _She_ knows it was.” He pressed his fingers against his chest. “ _I_ know it was.”

He dropped his shoulders, his body relaxing a little and his eyes softening, filling with fear and sadness instead. “That was me. What he did is in me. I knew it was there. I heard that voice after I came out of the Framework. I heard it when Hale had me locked up, when Hunter and I went after Enoch. It was there and thanks to what—” He paused, his chest heaving while he tried to compose himself. “—thanks to what he did to Daisy, I know _exactly_ what I’m capable of. So stop telling me that it wasn’t me,” he added more quietly, his gaze wandering to the smooth surface of the table.

The corners of Elena’s mouth ticked up into a sad smile. “You’re right,” she replied softly.

Fitz looked up in surprise.

“When I saw my future self,” Elena recounted thoughtfully, pursing her lips, “I thought ‘That’s not me. I would never be that way.’ So afraid... defeated... weak... hopeless. But then—” Elena blinked away the tears gathering in her eyes. “Things happened. And everything she’d told me seemed to come true, and I realized that it was me. She was me. And I was her. And that scared me. And I tried to fight it by doing everything in my power to stop her from happening.”

Fitz’s lips twitched briefly into the ghost of a one-sided smile. “And you won.”

Elena shook her head. “No. Just because I managed to change her future, doesn’t mean she’s not still a possibility. Thanks to your other self, you know what you could become. And thanks to my other self, I know what I could become. So, you’re right: they are us.”

Fitz slumped his shoulders, his gaze once again dropping to the table.

Elena reached forward, covering his hand with hers. “But that knowledge gives us power, Fitz. I may be afraid of her—of myself and what I could be, but that knowledge makes me work even harder on not becoming her. It makes me powerful.”

Fitz met her eyes with hesitation.

“When was the last time you heard him?” Elena asked carefully.

Fitz scoffed. “Not since I found out what he did and started taking meds.” He paused briefly, ticking his head to one side, contemplatively. “—and who knows, maybe those bloody guided relaxation exercises that my counselor makes me do help too.”

Elena chuckled, before patting the back of Fitz’s hand. “See, you’re stronger than him. You’re proactive. You don’t have to let him be what defines you. You define yourself.”

Fitz huffed, staring back at the table, seemingly only half convinced.

“Give Daisy time,” Elena said calmly. “She knows that even though you may be capable of what he did, you’re not the one who did it. And she knows she shouldn’t blame you for a possibility or let her fear—”

“No,” Fitz interjected once again, shaking his head and pointing at the entrance. “She _should_ blame me. I _want_ her to blame me. I _need_ her to blame me, because her anger is what allows me to keep him in check. The fact that she can’t look at me, that she can’t talk to me— _that’s_ what’s keeping him at bay. The meds can only do so much and it’s not like it can be cured, but her anger—“

He bit his lower lip, closing his eyes for a moment, before looking back at Elena. “It’s just not easy to know that someone you love hates you,” he added, his irises shimmering behind a curtain of tears.

“She hated me, too,” Elena admitted quietly. “I kept telling everyone that we needed to let Coulson die, and she did everything in her power to not let that happen, and she hated me, and we fought—physically fought, and she didn’t accept that I was right until Coulson took matters into his own hands. And I wish I hadn’t been right. I so wish I hadn’t—” She paused, before leaning slightly closer across the table. “She hated me but we’re working things out. Slowly.”

Fitz scoffed. “You didn’t tie her to a table and cut into her neck against her will.”

Elena slowly shook her head. “No, I didn’t. But I cut out a piece of her heart by telling her a man she loved like a father should die.”

One corner of Fitz’s mouth quirked up briefly. “Still not the same,” he mumbled quietly.

Elena shrugged. “Maybe not.”

Fitz pressed the heels of his hands against his eye sockets, sniffling quietly, before letting go and shaking his head as if to get rid of a bad dream. He picked up his tools, once again trying to focus on calibrating Elena’s arms.

Elena watched him work in silence for a moment, before speaking up again. “Maybe it’s not easy to know that someone you love hates you,” she contemplated. “But you know what’s even more difficult—maybe even impossible?”

Fitz looked up slowly, wrinkling his forehead.

“Hating someone you love,” Elena answered her own question.

Fitz’s chin quivered as his eyes filled with tears.

“She loves you, Fitz,” Elena continued.

Fitz leaned slightly forward, resting his elbow on the table to cover his mouth with the back of his hand while sobs shook his body.

“You don’t need her anger or her blame to keep him in check,” Elena reassured him. “You’re blaming yourself more than enough all by yourself.”

Fitz straightened up, his breath coming short and ragged as he tried to control his emotions.

“Give her time. I think part of why she won't look at you is because she's mad at herself at this point for not having been able to forgive you yet. I know she wants to forgive you. So when she's ready, let her.” Elena said with determination. “Her friendship and her support will make you stronger than her anger and blame. We all need support. We all have ghosts that we battle. You. Me. Her. All of us. And it’s a lot easier to fight them as a team.”

Fitz chewed thoughtfully on his lower lip.

“We’re here for you, just like you’re always there for us.”

A weak smile flashed across Fitz’s face, before he muttered a quiet “Thank you.”

“Any time.” Elena couldn’t help but grin. She lifted her robotic arms off the table, gesturing at them with her chin. “Now get to work before Daisy gives me a hard time for being late to the gym.”

Fitz laughed out loud, before picking up his tool and straightening in his seat. “Let’s do it then. Don’t want to give her a new reason to be pissed at me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I don't think I've ever written a Fitz&Elena brotp fic, but I had the idea for this and realized that their friendship has so much potential.
> 
> Also, I started writing this awhile ago when that one picture of Iain surfaced where he looked like maybe he was completely shaven (no-beard gate 2018), so that's where the idea for a clean-shaven Fitz came from. [P.S. I like scruff ;) ]


End file.
